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Signs He’s Not the One (Even if He’s a Great Guy)

Because February is my favorite month, and it just so happens to be the month symbolizing love in America, we’ll have a variety of love-themed posts this month.  This first one is about identifying that he’s NOT the one, even if he’s a really nice fella’.  (Cover image source.)

I’ve found, over the years, that there are two very distinct different types of dating “personalities.”

One is the monogamist.  To provide a bit more definition, because I know that there are a variety of definitions out there, they’re the ones that are regularly in exclusive, long-term relationships.  They feel at their most comfortable when they have a +1, whether that person is local or long distance.

The opposite is somebody who prefers to date around a bit until a significant other just sort of sticks.  They gain comfort from freedom and prefer to float in and out of relationships when their mood changes until they find one person that they like hanging out with for an extended period of time.

I don’t think that there’s a “right” or “wrong” type of dating, as long as the person is clear about their expectations.  But I do think that sometimes our style of dating has the potential to lead some of our decisions where they shouldn’t be a factor whatsoever.  Perhaps missing a fantastic relationship, because you’re mentally in a casual dating space.  Or, on the contrary, staying in a relationship and trying to force something that’s not meant to be because you’re used to monogamy.

Being someone who has been in both stages at points in my life, I’ve been through my fair share of frogs.  And, here are some ways that I’ve known that the guy is just not the one… even if he’s a really nice guy or it makes sense on paper.  (Note that I’m now happily married and, though it’s new, I can say that we’re very glad to be together.)



You feel like you’re playing a part in a show

If you can’t relax and you feel like you have to live up to your “role,” he’s probably not the one.  Can you just hang out in silence, or do you always feel like a conversation needs to be happening?  When you’re comfortable just being together, no need to be making something happen or have non-stop conversations, then that sounds like he might be one to hold onto.

You like the idea of dating someone

Sometimes, whether it’s what society is telling us or what we’re used to, we get in a stage where we just want somebody there.  And this isn’t to say that you can’t find the perfect +1 at that time – timing is half the battle after all.  But if you find yourself just craving time with someone and not explicitly him, then you just might not be that into him.

You can’t hang out with each other’s friends

If you ask the women involved in this round of Positively Confident, they’ll tell you… I am a HUGE fan of the idea that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.  Attitudes and reactions are contagious, so it’s important that both you and your significant other are surrounding yourself with good, positive people.  If you can’t bring him around your friends, and vice versa, it may just be a sign that it’s not meant to be.


You avoid conflict at all costs

As humans, most of us typically have strong feelings about certain things.  It could be about your life goals or a specific show you need to watch each week, but having those conversations and potential conflicts (when done in the right way) is healthy.  Conflict has the potential to move a relationship towards deeper understanding.  If you’re avoiding conflict, then it might be a sign that you’re not wanting to go deeper with this relationship.

You don’t respect one another

My mother once told me that the best relationships come when both parties look up to one another.  Do you respect one another or tear each other down?  Do you see qualities in each other that you somewhat idolize, or do you roll your eyes every time he speaks?  A relationship without that mutual, kind respect cannot sustain itself.

What are some of the lessons that you’ve learned across your years of dating?  How do you know when he is or is not the one?

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